I had a bad day yesterday, i guess i was having kind of a pitty party, maybe. I was sitting at my desk, husband at the computer and kids sitting quietly watching tv. So i sat there just staring thru the curtains out into the backyard. I'm blessed to have a backyard but still i wasnt doing well. In front of me i saw some change partially covered up by some papers. So i slid the change close to me and begane to line them up. I have 10 pennies, 15 nickels, 7 dimes and 5 quarters. I made a timeline of change right there in front of me. My husband would look over at me every few mintues and ask " whats wrong", nothing i said, everytime. So my coins range in dates starting at 1981 to of course 2005. So i sat there and began to think back to 1981, i was only 3 yrs old and of course dont remember much. But i did remember having the chicken pox very bad and i was soo mad because i wanted to go outside to play and they wouldnt let me. I was determined to infect them. They never got the pox though. Then came 1984, that year i got a new baby brother. He was so tiny and cute. I remember the few months before he was born i'd lay in his baby bed and take naps or just stare at the sheets and stuffed animals they had in there for him and think how wonderful it was going to be to have a baby around. Even if mom and dad did fight alot because dad was always late and drunk, me and the baby would be just fine. We moved to a trailer in a trailer park sometime after he was born, i hated it there. It seemed so dirty there but my mom made the trailer so pretty and clean that i didnt mind much after that, i had my own room in the back and i even got a cat.  A white cat i named snowball princess. Then i came to 1992 on a nickel. I went to Costa Rica that summer with my wita and my cousin Melissa. That was me and Melissa's second trip to costa rica with wita.They cut my hair there and made me look like a chubby faced boy. I was not happy. That should teach you that if your going to a foreign country and you get a haircut while there know the langauage or you may not like what you walk away with. I was 14 and she was 15. We had a life, things to do,boys to meet we didnt want to be in Costa Rica...so we left a month early. Wita wasnt happy and swore she would never pay for us to go again, and she hasnt. I started high school that year, can you imagine...me and my short bowl looking hair cut. Bad year, very bad year. The next year on my timeline is 1995...oooh good ole 1995. At that time was i was smoking lots of cigarettes and lots of weed. I was hanging with the "in" crowd but not in to the preppy kids. No we were the freaks, the cool ones though that even some preps hung with on the weekends. We hung out at a friends studio or at the sheds were they practiced their music, smoked lots and drank lots and who know s what else some of these people were on. I just liked weed and some beer. That was all, at that time anyway. My mom hated them all and wished i wouldnt associate with such people. But i knew better! Next was 1997, by that time i had my first like really real boyfriend. I moved in with him after i graduated high school in 1996 and it was a crazy time. He eventually moved in with me into my moms new house and after a few months it was over, well the living otgether part was anyway. We still hooked up on weekends for some social sex..ha. I couldnt get over him, even though he was a big jerk, he was a big sexy jerk. He had his nice side but that was often hidden by the alcohol. I learned alot from him, not to be so naive and not to take any mans crap. I learned how to be mean and cocky. I learned how bad it felt to have been so stupid, so blind in what i thought was love. I learned that night i could drink about 24 abita ambers alone in my bedroom and cry my heart out, and wake up feeling pretty darn good the next morning. That never happened again. After that memory i was almost depressed. But i went on to 1998, when i met my husband to be. I knew there was something different about this guy and this relationship almost immediately. 2 months after wemet i moved away with him,  for me it was a far move, 1 hour and 20 minutes away from everyone and everything i had ever known.  5 months into our relationship i was pregnant and by the 6th month he began to change, that thing he told me about was happening, that bi-polar thing. The next 4 yrs were hell but in some odd way to me it was all worth it worth it for what i have now. I have more inmy life now than i ever had or ever thought i'd have and not just material possessions, those dont mean much after Katrina and how fast she took it all away from so many people. No i have family,i have love, i know love like never before. I have 4 of the greatest miracles and blessings i could ever have hoped for. And even without one matrial possession i would consider myself very fortunate. Now i have to work on showing that. I have this dep sadness that i am trying to work thru. Some things in my mothers home were lost, things that cant be replaced but they will always be a part of me, if i can just remember if i can just get an image in my head. That really shouldnt matter and it doesnt matter not as much as my mothers life matters. But it still makes me sad. The town i was born and raised in, gone, destroyed in just a few short hours. Anyway she is alive and doing well for what she endured those 6 days. I am sad for everyone though not just her, for everyone who lost something whether its a loved one or something they worked their whole life to have. Driving around my own town makes me sad, i see the trees down..big huge oaks that have been around longer than you and i just laid out on the ground and the earth around them sticking out. The destruction. The homes, the cars, the people wandering around without a home or car. Living in shelters wondering...what now?

I have been found.....

work is tapering off to almost nothing...yippie for me!! Althought the flower selling part is picking up quickly again. Yippie for me again..lol!!! My son is about to go back to school..Thank You God/Jesus in heaven for school!!!!! He will be in first grade..sniff sniff..my baby..he's growing up. But it's all good..as long as he is excited about school then i am too!! And he is so all is well. My mother in law brought over all his school supplies today...wasnt that nice of her..she bought them all too. I am glad i didnt have to do it this year...i went to walmart the other day for baby food and that was a freaking joke. I had to fight for my life as i walked past the supply aisle....i only took a peek (i promise) and was almost trampled..lol!!!! I made it safetly to the baby food asile collected my goods and headed back thru the jungle to the cash registers only to realize i had left my money in my car that i had to park way out in the middle of no where land because it was so packed...boy was it hot outside too!!! I noticed some mexican guys checking me out...i do believe its time for that new wedding ring i've been needing...because oh yes i don't have one and havent had one since that terrible day. I'm thinking big this time...last time he bought me a nice beautiful big diamond oh yeah the band came with it too of course...and silly me says "oh i dont like big, i dont want all that attention"..ha well now i do. I want big and i want platinum! I joined Curves....and have been working out everyday except saturday and sunday of course....maybe those guys were checking out my new butt..lol!!!They will start opening on saturdays in september...so i will be there! And the best lil tid bit of all is that i am getting a house!!Woohoo..will probably be in by the end of the year! But thats all i will say about it until it actually happens...i have a tendency of ruining good things..and i almsot did just that the other night when i told me husband i didnt want the house. I was temporarily insane ok! Well thats it for now...i just remembered why i dont come here as often...it involves too much typing!!

i never really understood what it meant to "lose yourself". i thought we all just knew who we were and we could keep it that way. teenage life was in my opinion my most screwed up years. my childhood too and maybe thats why i had such a screwed up life as a teen..no why i screwed up life as a teen. only then i thought i was me and me was having fun...the time of my life. did not have a care in the world..and really..theres alot of world history from the 90's, lots of politicians, alot of violence, alot of theories, findings, beliefs morals, values, things people do when they love someone, hate somone that i know nothing of. not one little bit and sometimes i feel so stupid, like i wasted what could have been very educational and informing years...years to learn some simples life lessons, and behaviors. really we learn what we bring into this world as far as communication, listening, and morals, values, beliefs and well i cant think of the word..its there but its hiding, when we come of age,move out get married all that good stuff as a child and those experiences come along with us thru life. my words are scattered..thats me. i cant type well tonight, thats me...i cant find the right words because i cant think straight, thats me. i thought i knew me...i thought i had it all figured out..you know..never getting married because there will never be a guy who will want to marry me, never having kids..just smoking weed til i die beause thats whats fun, my escape. i thought i was a very nice person despite somethings some would say. my brother saw an old very good friend of mine...in fact she was my best friend for a long time..and you know what she did when my brother said..i am so in so's brother...she whispered to the girls she was with and they laughed. They all laughed...you know i wonder what thats about.i ahve my suspicions but i cant be sure..i cant because last time i called her 3 yrs ago she let her kids answer and they played around then hung up. so maybe i was never really nice at all...i have one other friend that i kept from all thise years ago...we dont talk much either but we are still friends..when we do talk its like old times. but now we dont have anything in common. i lost myself...5 yrs and all this i have lost myself. i couldnt answer a question about what i like about  myself..because everything i can think of i question it myself...is it really true..and do i really like that. its the same outside of myself too....so i think i know now what losing one self means.....now how do i find myself...how do i get it all sorted out and in order....i have a friend and it seems to me that person is lost..i want to help..but cant even help myself ...do you think we could find ourselves together....

i have absolutely nothing to say!Hope everyone is well!! ok maybe a few things

my kids killed a baby bird today, i was so upset with them. my oldest swore it was the youngest who knocked the nest out of the tree, we all know better. there were 4 baby birds, there eyes werent even opened yet, like they had just hatched. i had no choice, i had to pick them up and put them back in the nest, now i wish i wouldnt have because there momma is probably going to leave them. I will check tomorrow and if she hasnt come back maybe i will take them in and feed them and nurture them. I feel so sad for them. I love birds. especially baby birds. I told the boys who upset i was abd how sad their momma would be and you know what they said...."it's ok she has more eggs." How nice of them....nothing about how she maybe could have loved those birds. I told them that would be like me saying if anything happened to them, oh well i can make more babies!!! They are ok now. I wasnt mad just upset. 

My birthday is coming up...July 8th..i'll be 27...whoopiedo! I hate birthdays more and more. Nothing special takes place...just another year goes by and a few more wrinkles rear there ugly heads! I think my mom calls me and wished me a happry birthday...and thats it. No one else and im going to see if this year i dont remind my husband if he will remember. Damnit i want a birthday party, freinds and family over and maybe even a few cards or something..you know like the old days. My cousin had the nerve to throw herself a birthday party at Outback steakhouse and you know what lots of people came and she got tons of cards and like 200 buckeroo's but the real thing is that they went to her birthday, nobody even thinks twice about me and since i live an hour away they dont even feel like driving out here! Anyway i know im having a pity party now so i'm done..no more pity party. And to top it all off my husband is leaving to go to miami in the morning and he wont be home until sunday....:( I feel like a big fat juicy turd right now.....ok goodnight..i'll go drown my sorrows in walmart...lol!!

Speaking of the dogs playing poker in my last post, today i went to the kangaroo to get something to drink for me and my employee i was standing in line and lo and behold there it was. A handpainted, 3d picture of the poker dogs...lol!!!Now, im saying i want it or anything because it looks a bit tacky but it was nice to see that scene again!!

I got to meet Anastacia this weekend, finally after almost 2 years of chatting with her online!! Shes sooo sweet and cool and nice and pretty!!!lol. We met at Chuck E Cheese's with our children and we all had a great time. She held my baby while i played some games..lol. Im such a kid when we go to places like that. I won like 240 tickets on one game!!Then she played some games, we ate, the kids continued to play and then we took some pictures and got our prizes and left!! It was a good weekend and i am so so so glad i got to meet her. Our boys played so well together and when we were leaving my son and her son both asked if they could play again. So we are goning to get together again definintely, maybe her house, mine or the park. Somewhere before we go to the zoo and before she leaves for her vacation!!We both have some picuters but i think it will be easier for her to post them than me. Mine are on my cell phone and its not set up yet to send them! Aaahh, it was fun!!I can't wait to go to the zoo!!

My childhood meme!! This should be fun!

After my mom and dad divorced when i was young my brother, mom and i all lived with my grandparents, my cousin and my aunt and my uncle...my aunt and moms brother, in a 2 bedroom house! My brother, cousin and i use to always fight. Over how got a certain chair to sit in for dinner, how got "the" fork! Once we were outside playing barbies in the swimming pool because of course babrie and ken were at a beach resort, i had to go to the bathroom and annoucned this, well my cousin ran to the door and slammed it in my face and ran into the bathroom where she stayed for 10 minutes. I still have no clue why she did that, we were playing so well that day! The same day we were playing in my "room", the living room, and i was swinging a cassette player around and smacked my brother with it right on his eyebrow, he had to get stitches i got spanked!!

I remember my uncle Homer. He was the coolest and best uncle ever. Every birthday he would give me a card fiulled with money, hey 20 bucks was alot for a child!!I loved going to his house. He had the best pictures and furniture. It seemed fancy and foreign to me everytime. The pictures that stand out are the one of the dogs playing poker and the silly one in the bathroom of the monkey flushing himself down the toilet, fancy i think not..lol!!

The same uncle had a green rocker swing with a canopy on top and a little hole on the floor board. We would sit and swing for hours on that thing and he would always tell me not to get close to the hole, there was a snake who lived there. Ahh that swin..he still has it, i dont see him anymore though. I would like to visit him  before he passes away. He's the last living connection i have to my grandpa and the stories of their family from Italy.

My grandpa was like my dad. the closest thing i had to a dad. He would take me everywhere he went. He loved me best, i could tell. He was so kind and caring and soft spoken. But when he got mad watch out!! He took good care of us and cooked dinner everything. I remember he would stand by the sink and let the water run. I guess for him it was soothing. He died in the middle of the night and i felt him go. I knew he had died. I know what music i was listneing to but i cant seem to remember the name of the band or somng..if thts not wierd. It's there and its coming to me.

I remember how much i loved my dad and for such a young child i knew he had a problem, a serious one. I did live with him for 4 years after he and my mom got divorced. I was only going for 2 weeks and that turned into 4 years. My mo said he could give me more, yeah more abuse maybe. I got nothing from him and my step mom, she would make me the most hideious clothes, she hated me. She hated me because i was so much like my mom. Anyway, i took care of my dad when he was sick and when he was drunk, which was often. As i grew up i began to resent him, hate him for not being my daddy. For not giving me that special and close bond and love i should have had, i deserved it. Every little girl does. Althought it hurts, i rememebr everyday with him and every missed moment we could have had as a close father and daughter. I now he gave me all that he could, all that he had. I dont expect anymore than that.

Ok anastacia tagged me Grateful1
Hoosierbr
TheSeeker
Jos
Goins
, alt tagged her and i tag lindy, finalyfree, wishfulthinker, is that right alt..lol!!Thats all, i know no one else!

as you can see i got lazy and copy pasted..lol!!!

A little bird flew up on the wire and there he sat, whistling or whatever you call it...singing??I would agree on that too. So after he finished i thought he why not...i began to mock the birds whistle as best as i could. I'm not much of a whistler but i gave it a try. And do you know that when i was finished do you know that that little bird began to look around and whistle back!!!!! I had never ever took the time to watch birds or whistle back, not even as a child. What was i thinking, it was so funny!!! So this bird and i whistled back and forth for about 15 mintues while i was outside just hanging out with my husband and Bill (Bill is our employee and friend).

I thought it was so cute that this bird was whistling back after i whistled the same as he. He let out a variety of calls and i mentioned to my husband that i was hoping it wasn't mateing calls and that the bird wouldnt come and attack me!!! I just thought i would share that...why i have no clue!!

Well enough of my senseless chatter, back to work now!!!

Well idiotic tblog decided to screw my post up so here it is ONE MORE TIME!!!! We are looking to buy a home. We arent building now which is fine with me too. I found two last night on the net that i love. Not the price but God can do all things, i will not, refuse to limit Him and His perfect ways!!! One has a pool one has a workshop which we need for the business. The one with the pool looks like it may have room in the back for a woekshop to be built..so hey..i may get the pool and a wrokshop woohoo!!!lol

http://neworleans.prugard.com/details/start.aspx?propid=028G000574909 &" title="http://neworleans.prugard.com/details/start.aspx?propid=028G000574909 &" target="_blank"http://neworleans.prugard.com...;index=3

http://neworleans.prugard.com/details/start.aspx?propid=028G000572793 " title="http://neworleans.prugard.com/details/start.aspx?propid=028G000572793 " target="_blank"http://neworleans.prugard.com...

I got this in an email..so funny!!

TECH SUPPORT!!!
>
 Dear Tech Support:
>
> Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.
>
> I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child
>processing that
> took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
>
> No mention of this was included with the product information.
>
> In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs
>and now
> launches during system initialization, where it monitors all
>other system
> activity.
>
> Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and
>Fishing
> 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever
>selected. I
> can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting
>to run my
> favorite applications.
>
> I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the
>uninstall doesn't
>
> work on Wife 1.0.
>
>
> Please help!
>
> Thanks,
>
> A Troubled User.
>
>
> REPLY:
>
> Dear Troubled User:
>
>
> This is a very common problem that men complain about.
>It is due to a
> primary misconception.
>
> Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0,
>thinking that it is
> merely a Utilities and Entertainment program.
>
> Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its
>Creator to run
> EVERYTHING!!!
>
> It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return
>to Girlfriend 7.0.
> Hidden operating systems files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to
>emulate Wife 1.0, so
> nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall,
>delete, or purge the
> pr! ogram files from the system once installed.
>
> You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is
>designed to not
> allow this.
>
> Some have tried Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up
>with more problems
> than in the original system.
>
> Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under
>Warnings-Alimony/Chil d Support."
>
> I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving
>the situation.
>
> I suggest installing the background application "Yes
>Dear" to alleviate
> software augmentation.
>
> Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that
>you read the entire
> section regarding 'General Partnership Faults'! (GPFs.)
>
> Your Wife 1.0 does a scan for GPFs during it's monthly
>program maintenance
> scan (PMS).
>
> You must assume joint responsibility for any faults and
>problems that occur,
> re! gardless of their cause.
>
> You will also find that GPFs are cyclical. The best
>course of action is to
> enter the command C:APOLOGIZE.
>
> Avoid excessive use of C:YESDEAR because ultimately you
>will have to give
> the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to
>normal anyway.
>
> Remember, the system will run smoothly as long as you
>share the blame for
> all GPFs.
>
> Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very
>high maintenance.
>
> Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as
>Clean and Sweep 3.0,
> Cook It 1.5 (which replaces Burn It 1.0), and Do Bills
>4.2.
>
> You must, however, be very careful how you use these
>programs. Improper use
> will cause the system to launch the program Nag 9.5.
>Once this happens, the
> only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to
>purchase additional
> software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0
>should this happen.
>
> WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install
>Secretary With Short
> Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0
>and will cause
> irreversible damage to the operating system.
>
> Best of luck,
>
> Tech Support
>
>
>

i think this is interesting and would like to know what you socred,unless your embarrassed or otherwise dont want to reveal your socre then dont worry about ti, take the quiz but just tell me im too nosey!!!

http://www.beliefnet.com/section/quiz/index.asp?sectionID=10002&" title="http://www.beliefnet.com/section/quiz/index.asp?sectionID=10002&" target="_blank"http://www.beliefnet.com/sect...;surveyID=83

I took along look at what i said here and how i have been feeling for a few weeks now and decided that it really isn't as bad as i thought, or as i made it all out to be. I have a tendency to do that. I never use to be that way, why now. I do blame some of this on whats goping on with my health, i can do that because it's valid. But i have the choice to succumb to it or fight my hardest to not let it get the best of me. Lately i haven't been fighting. I guess i got tired and lost hope. I went to church the other night for the first time in weeks maybe even a month. I realized that when i don't go for awhile because i am isloating myself and because i don't like going alone with my kids because 2 of them are too much for one woman to handle sometimes especially at church where your supposed to be quiet when the pastor is praying. He doesnt much mind when hes preaching if the kids make a noise he just says spank them and continue to listen..lol!! But have some respect when he's praying, thats just something inside of me that i just know.  anyway i realized that i become empty, i lose what i had and i become stagnat because really who is there to talk to when your home all day long, who do you share what you know with?? Anyway i havent been online since maybe yesterday and im losing it tonight too because i hired someone to paint my living room, well they were supposed to help but then i ended up doing nothing much. except peeling the funky border off the wall and fireplace!!! so i had to unhook everything and i am buying a new desk...wooohoo!! We need one...the one i have the little thing is broke and i put screws in it and they came out..all by theirself!!Freaky!!!We hooked it up in the kitchen to get online on the auction and it wqould work, so we came back in here with it because we desperatley needed the net..and it worked but we ended up missing half the auction. I just wanted to post this..self realization i guess is what it is. I am better now even though in my heart i know i messed up alot. Thank God for forgiveness and another chance!

When it rains it pours, or so the saying goes! It has been one thing after another around here and today we got a fax from a lawyer in Florida saying that one of the companies that we use to buy from is suing us after repeated attempts to collect the amount owed. Which i may add is bull crap! Not once did we recive a letter, or a phone call and the last i heard they were working with us. The amount they say we owe is incorrect because we have many credits with them for getting bad flowers, or our order was short. They have tons of invoices on there and we only owe eight. I am sooo uh..fuming right now! And the guys are outside putting breaks on the truck and they go to start it and nothing!!We just put an alternator on it over the weekend. I mean it i feel like i can't take anymore! I'm ready to just say f it all!!!But i can't, i won't! Maybe i am stupid or maybe i just have too much will to go on. Too much hope that something big, something good is about to happen and if i say f it all then it will be ruined. The doctor took the stitches out of my husbands hand and said it could take a year to heal and for him to be pain free. Real encouraging huh? They must have given us the wrong information or maybe we heard them wrong. But they said it would take about 3 weeks for the fingers to heal..maybe they meant just for the stitches to come out. Dare i ask what next?

Tomorrow is Mother's Day (like no one knows) and i hope every mother has a wonderful day!! I got two of the most beautiful and special cards from my sweet lil boys!! Kaleb made one in school Friday and gave it to me when he got home, he said he couldnt wait!! It says i am 30..lol..which i amnot but he said he didn't know how old i was but my hair color and eye color and favortie food was correct..lol!!In the picture he drew of me i have this huge brown purse on the floor next to me with my extremely long arm holding onto to it. I have a purple hat, green face and legs, blue arms, one short one long, and a green shirt on with a black skirt!!! Sooo cute..lol!!!And he drew a heart on top and said he loves me because i am nice!!! Elijahs card says Elijah loves mommy!!! and its cute too!His teacher helped the kids make them so its not really his own original...but those will come soon!!I just love them so much!!I don't know how much sweeter they can get!! What kind of cards and stuff did you get this year or years past??

This is the picture thast i want as my background...anyone know how to do it since im not pro and im not even going there!!!!!

My neighbor..who's cat was smashed all over the highway, who dug in my trash and made messes, got some new pets. I was relieved in a way because the cat wouldnt be digging in my trash anymore well now she has a couple of dogs. How nice!! Now i have to worry about her dogs digging in my trash. it really sucks because we have lots of trash now with the business. Not that they want to be eating rotten moldy flowers that we throw away but the guys throw other things in there with it, like chips, cookies,candy, left over food they didnt eat etc. So i can just imagine my next mess! Now i dont want her doggies to get run over but it wouldnt bother me any, like the poor cat!!It's sad but not as sad i guess if it had been my cat. but i dont have any cats, or dogs for that matter!!I guess i could be considered mean and cruel to the feelings of others. Who knows!!

On another note..my husband went to the doctor today and they ended up not taking the stitches out. They will check again on Monday to see if they can then. I have to change his dressing everyday, which will be hard for me to do because i am too sensitive to his pain. I have to take it off, then make him put his hands in some warm water with antibacterial soap and move them around because his fingers are getting stiff!Nice!! i really am not looking forward to this!!